Think twice before you eat.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

CAUSE: Giant Falling Rocks As Seen In: Armageddon & Deep Impact At any moment, meteors can start falling from the sky, crushing Paris, creating tidal waves, and causing worldwide panic. When this happens, the best thing to do is assemble a rag-tag band of Texas mavericks, put them on the Space Shuttle with a couple of Aerosmith albums, and hope for the best.

What You Can Do: Avoid living in cities with easily recognizable landmarks.

CAUSE: Viral Outbreaks As Seen In: 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later & I Am Legend Next time the guy in the nearest cubicle sneezes, beware. It might be a common cold, or it could be the start of a vast pandemic caused by a scientific experiment gone wrong that will wipe out most of humanity. Even worse, it might even turn people into brainless, sunlight-averse monsters, leaving survivors with no one to talk to but dogs and mannequins.

What You Can Do: Vitamin C. A lot of Vitamin C.

CAUSE: Greenhouse Gasses As Seen In: Waterworld & The Day After Tomorrow Every day your neighbor's SUV spews carbon dioxide and other pollutants into the air, trapping the sun's radiation and heating up the atmosphere. This may result in either a) the polar ice caps melt, forcing mankind to live on boats with Kevin Costner or b) the gulf stream stops, turning New York City into an enormous ice cube. Either way, it's your neighbor's fault.

What You Can Do: Reduce your carbon footprint. Beat up your neighbor.

CAUSE: Angry Monkeys As Seen In: Planet of the Apes Series We do not know for sure what role monkeys had in the nuclear war that wiped out humanity, but they certainly didn't do anything to stop it either. And when they became number one in the species pecking order, they wasted no time lording it over us. Chimps share 99% of our DNA and they are undoubtedly bitter about that remaining 1%.

What You Can Do: Stand up for yourself and the whole human race. If a chimp at the zoo flings feces at you, throw some right back.

9:08 PM